i am so frustrated with people, and how they are so dramatic about everything. i am also so frustrated with myself.. i should have talked to him tonight.. but i didn't. i am so stupid. i dotn knwo why i am so shy with people. i wish i knew what he thought. i hate being so confused about shit. oh well, and on comes another day. SUiCiDE MACHiNES TODAY!

I feel so alone, i feel like i dont belong anywhere. i feel like i cant talk to anyone about anything, becyase they wont care. so where do i go now? who can i turn to? what do i do now that everything i have ever known makes no sense. someone please save me from my own emotions.

Shitty mood.
I miss claire. she wont be home until saturday.
I really do not like people. i wish i was strong enough to tell people what i really think. But i am weak, and afraid of what they might say back. That is something i should work on...
yea so i know some pretty sweet people. They like to backstab their best friends.. A lot. man, i wish i was cool like that. No one see's it.. and that is something i will never understand. Or maybe people do see it, but are like me and dont want to confront them. I hate Spring break. i wish i would have gone somewhere. i wish i was anywhere but in Rockford. Rockford is too sweet for me.


i pray and i pray but no sign of a better day..

all of a sudden i got really angry. i hate it when people think they are so high and mighty and are so God damn profound. fuck you and get off your soap box. its none of your buisness anyways. i dont get why people act so weird sometimes. its like everyone has major mood swings lately. why cant everything be back to how it was? i wish things would stop changing all the fucking time. it really sucks. I dont know what to do anymore, about this "crush" i have, all i do is dwell and moap. well im sick of it. i dont see how this is getting me anywhere. im tired of talking about shit to people too, i feel like no one is going to understand anyways, so why bother? ey? yeah. so im here, with a lot on my mind, and no one to listen.. what else is new? i dont like feeling this way, but it seems liek these feelinsg never go away. i dont know whats so wrong with me? its liek this storm cloud wont clear from lerking over my head. Bnej got into an accident today.. i was sad for him so i gave him my "relationship" flower that kassy gave me, it was so pretty and i carried it all day, i felt dumb but i dont care. what good is it going to do for me anyways, i have horrid luck with guys. sometimes i dont know why i even try, or bother telling people i like someone, i always get rejected or heart borken. maybe its becuase im too damn shy and dont do anything about it when i like someone. i always think of the worst senario happening, and in all that time thinking, i loose the chance to actually do something about it. so its may fault.

FEELiNGS:

Theres a place, in my heart, that just wont kiss you away, that can't accept the truth that things aren't working out as planned. i
ts so hard to admit that I drove you away with all this negativity, this anger every day.
Your heart doesn't belong to me. Your heart doesn't belong to me.
I know I don't have the right to bug you with how this feels,
its just the hardest thing I've been through, nothings ever felt so real.
Your heart doesn't belong to me.
Its not your fault that I write these things at night.
I brought it on myself.
I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this. Do I really deserve this?

weLL this weekend was fun.
im starting to form a crush. this could get me into trouble. it wont work out anyways.. never does. i feel like nothing will ever work out for me. why am i such a lost cause. why does nothing ever go my way? AHH FUCK YOU WORLD! i hate talking about all this shit inside me to people. especially the only person in the world who understands me, becuase she, herself is going thru some shit. whatever whatever, i give up.


sunrise, sunset.. you wake up and your depressed, nothign ever goes your way. this is a weird song.

im in love with kind of like spitting.

this week was horrible. one word that sums it all up. First off.. the weekend was dumb i had a fucking screaming baby. it was not fun. then this whole thing between Kassy + Frances+ Bnej escelated into a huge thing. Claire + ALex was sad.. and just everything was bad. I cried so much this week i dont thinki have any more tears left. and i still dont feel very content with how things are right now. I feel like i have a support system of a whole 2 people. which i love wiht all my heart. i try and try to work things out with friendships but the other end needs to try too. i think i have high expectations for people and this week they didn't live up thoes expectations. i am a horrible person. i dont deserve to have as great of a friend as claire.. she seriously my everything right now. everyone else i dont know who i feel about them right now. i lost someone this week, and got him back but i already feel him slipping away again. why do things have to change? why cant everyone be the same as they were in the beginning of the year? No words can express my confusion at this time. i feel so drained, i haet crying. tears are my enemy. all i want to do is go to the good shows this weekend and have fun and forget about everything. But i have a feeling its not going to be as fun as i think. becuase we will have to see people. and i dont think i can handle that. and i dont think anyone else can either. I think im jaded, thats dumb becuase i dont even know this boy, but i had a crush and finding out he has feelings for someone else.. that made me so sad, on top of everything else. FUCK . i just want to scream. ok form this point on no more tears i am going to be happy, and im not going to worrry about having a boy in my life, because that shouldnt be my motocation to be happy.. boys suck and relationships suck. so man .. katy just stop.

Im Looking for a place that i can never find. ... .. . i see a lot of people but they never look up. - offbeats how i love thee

10 nice people i enjoy the company of
1. CLaire
2. Reece
3. Megan
4. KATiE
5. benj
6. Morgan
7. AJ
8. RacheL
9. Dan
10. basically everyone that was at skelletones last night


9 things i'm wearing
1. underwear
2. bra
3. tank top
4. shirt
5. pants
6. socks
7. a blanket becuase i am cold
8. my contacts
9. my red braclet.. i never take it off, its my favorite.

8 things on my mind
1. Show tonight
2. people
3. when will the phone ring
4. "boy"
5. if anyone ever reads this blog
6. cd's
7. what to wear tonight
8. i cant think anymore my head hurts

7 items i touch every day
1. my alarm clock
2. my eye
3. shoes
4. cd's
5. the car
6. my face
7 YOU! haha

6 things i do every day
1. sLeep
2. pray
3. talk to people
4. laugh
5. cry
6. listen to MUSiC

5 bands/musical artists you couldnt live without
1. Operation ivy
2. catch 22
3. the offbeats
4. chocking victim
5. missdemenors

4 of my favorite songs at the moment
1. operation ivy- yellin' in my ear
2. offbeats- breakdown
3. chocking victim- crack rock steady
4. catch 22- hey sergio

3 things that have strongly influenced my life
1. MUSiC
2. friends.. people around me
3. ....?

2 things i wish i had
1. "boy"
2. a jones soda.. :-)

1 person i love more than anyone
1. GOD